On Oceans of Blue

its not anything in particular
its not one thing under my skin
its just one of those days
when everything goes wrong again
its not the truck breaking down
its not the inability to fix it
and its not the other truck breaking down
we have two
they are both broke
its not my lunch that sits at home
while i sit at work
half an hour away
its not that today was water day
and children dont behave
when given free reign
on a slide thats wet
its not that yesterday was sweltering
and the kids lite a leaf on fire
its not that today was humid and overcast
its not that my boyfriend is out of town
its not that my boss is a jerk
its not that people dont cooperate
when things need to get done
and then tattle on me
when they were wrong
its not even that in two months time
ill start a process
that will take a year
that will take my marrow
that will take my health
and take my germs
and take my blood
and after leaving the doctors
we lost the key to the car
its none of these things
none of this is why
yet
its all of these things
its all of it combined
its 4:45
i get up at 7
i leave at 8
i work at 9
i leave at 4
i work at 5
im home by 10
but im awake!
because all of this
is on my mind

oh to be thy pen
to transcribe thy love
to thrill thy mind
oh to bleed they feelings
deep and true
real and raw
oh to bring the inanimate to life
to draw from the well
that is thy heart
to know the first draft
as well as the last
to pen thy pain
and heal thy plight
to feel thy joy
and win thy fight
to know the ins
and to know the outs
oh the joy
to be thy pen

the world believes
very easily
in one man’s ability
to change a lifestyle
a society
an economy
to change a nation

and the world believes
very easily
in one man’s ability
to change the quality of living
the honesty of working
the quantity of money
to change the nation

the world believes
far too easily
in one man’s ability
to change

but no one believes
in the Creator’s ability
to change creation
or the Alpha’s ability
to change a beginning
or the Omega’s ability
to change an ending

no one believes
the Father’s ability
to change a child
or Jehovah’s ability
to change a nation
or Adonai’s ability
to change a situation

we all believe
on man can change the world
because the commercials say so
no one believes
the Supreme Being can change one man
despite the proof He gives us

where does hope lie?
where does trust rest?
in one sinful man?
or the one true God?

im around the corner
im supposed to be asleep
but its all dark
‘cept for the tv
im playin with jacks
the ones you dont know that i have
but im bouncin the ball real soft
and the game is hard
your chair squeaks
i freeze
the tv is still on
the floor squeaks
who are you?
why am i here?
i do not know you
or this place
or these jacks
but the squeak
the squeak i know
the refrigerator door squeaks
i shift my weight
the bottle opener squeaks
i dont know where i am
or why im here
or who you are
but that squeak!
the floor again
and the chair
and the click click of the remote
i peep around the corner
very very slowly
too quick and youll see me
cus im supposed to be asleep
click click
click click
your face is blank
no nose
no eyes
no mouth
you smell weird
like that man on the street
mama always locks her car door
your chair
squeak squeak
you rock back and forth
who are you?
why am i here?
where are we?
you stop rocking
i freeze
the ball rolls across the floor
soft thump thump thump
you look me straight in the eyes
yet you have no eyes
i run back to the room
the one im supposed to be asleep in
i jump in the bed
the one im supposed to be asleep in
i cover up with the quilt
the one that smells like dog
the one im supposed to be asleep under
and i realize
im still holding my jacks
squeak squeak
thump
squeak squeak
thump
i wake up
im in my room
a hundred miles away from you
whoever you are
my walls are white
with my pictures on them
my mirror is shined
with squishy red hearts on it
my desk is cleaned
with my books on it
who are you?
why did you meet me last night?
where was that dream?
and who am i?

if snails and whales
were pretty seashells
would we all be happier
for the peace we’ve found
and if gobbles and gooks
were decorative hooks
would we all be happier
for the freedom we’ve found
if what goes around
comes around
why am i in my second round
while others wonder what i’m talking about
and if life is a blessing
why’s it so hard
to see tomorrow
seems such a shame
cus forever waits
and triumph sounds
the echos of life
go round and round
so i stand my ground
waiting to be found
tied and bound
listening for the sound
of the trumpet
so if snails and whales
were pretty seashells
would we be happier
for the peace we’ve found
rather i look
past the hooks
and the books
and the cooks
for the shark that lurks
in the murk
to eat straight through my shirt
to hurt
then burp
my very soul
because i’ve failed

"love does not keep a record of wrongs"
but life sure does
the old self haunts the new self
when shes supposed to be dead and buried
she sneaks up and kicks
square in the ass
its not my fault
those mistakes
someone else made them
in a different life
and i now i suffer
thanks to someone else
thanks to my old self
i feel so separate from the past
so isolated
so joyous
that i’m a new creature
brand new
like a child
on the first day of school
being punished for an older child’s behavior
being sent to the corner
because an older child stole someone’s blocks
because an older child ran out of the room without a teacher
because an older child ate too much snack before lunch
why?!?
it wasnt worth it
it was all more heartache than joy
it was more broken dreams than love fulfilled
i always thought itd be ok
"because ive lived"
except i was dead
it was ok
"because ive been there, done that"
except it was someone else, not me
im so broken
so disappointed
so hurt
and its all my fault
except
it isnt

use me
muse me
breath through me
hold me
mold me
glue virtues to me
love me
flood me
overflow from me
joyful me
peaceful me
live life fruitfully
be mine for
all time
my life recombined
bottom line?
realign my path
with thine
rebel on decline
humble all my shrines
my viewpoint redefined
faith hope and love intertwined
my fate of Godly design
use me
muse me
breath right through me

im a wanna-be
baby im a wanna-be
oh sweetie
im a wanna-be mrs you
im a wanna-be better half
oh heck
just a wanna-be your other half
im a wanna-be
baby im a wanna-be
oh sweetie
let me be
please let me be mrs you
cus i wanna-be
i wanna-be
your inspiration
and i wanna-be
your muse
i wanna-be
your warm shoulder
i wanna-be mrs you
im a wanna-be
babe im a wanna-be
oh sweetie
its something we both see
im a wanna-be mrs you
with a little house
and a little yard
and a few kids
and a love no one else has
but me and you
im wanna-be
im a wanna-be mrs you
oh sweetie cant you see
i cant wait no more
this is meant to be
i wanna-be mrs you

big men
with big guns
and big heads
and bigger egos
they rule the earth
at risk of sounding hippie
lets have love with the earth
i dont mean
by any means
"go green"
this is not a commercial
this is not a marketing strategy
although trash cans do have a real purpose
that the ground should not fulfill
i mean lets have love with the earth
lets smell the flower
and look past the thorns
lets see the tree
and look past the moss
lets taste the apple
and look past the dirt
sickness being largely psychological
our bodies designed to withstand
lets have love with the earth
stop being so money green driven
and be truth green driven instead
oh i sound like a hippie
so what?
maybe they were onto something
maybe the massive wave of the 60s
wasnt a purely psychedelic trend
maybe a guitar and the earth
is all we need
maybe love is all we need
lets hold hands
lets sit round the fire
lets eat fish weve fished
and roots weve picked
lets sing songs
bout love and truth
bout faith and hope
bout peace
bout youth
bout joy
lets roam
and never settle
lets have love with the earth
why hate?
why shoot?
when we can love

two sides of a man
the Good
and the Evil
speculate of a third
the Ugly
but perhaps the third, however
is nothing more than the Conflict
the poor soul caught in between
the reformed man
striving for excellence
ever failing
the Good
the Bad
the Conflict
i am neither good nor bad

good thoughts
yet bad actions

bad thoughts
and good actions

good thoughts
and good actions

bad thoughts
bad actions

how often do they fall in line with one another?
how often do i think Good
and Good is produced?
how often do i think Bad
and Bad is produced?
let your yes be yes
and your no be no
in Mathew 5:37
in James 5:12
im told
i dont listen
i fail again
the Good
the Bad
the Conflict
how to get the Conflict resolved
Jesus
sounds sorta silly
sounds a little "churchy"
maybe even "preachy"
but Jesus
Conflict turns Good
with Jesus
because of Jesus
thanks to Jesus
thank you, Jesus
so Conflict is Ugly
ugly
nonuniform
warty
rude
indecisive
the Good — Jesus
the Bad — the serpent
the Ugly — the conflict