On Oceans of Blue

im around the corner
im supposed to be asleep
but its all dark
‘cept for the tv
im playin with jacks
the ones you dont know that i have
but im bouncin the ball real soft
and the game is hard
your chair squeaks
i freeze
the tv is still on
the floor squeaks
who are you?
why am i here?
i do not know you
or this place
or these jacks
but the squeak
the squeak i know
the refrigerator door squeaks
i shift my weight
the bottle opener squeaks
i dont know where i am
or why im here
or who you are
but that squeak!
the floor again
and the chair
and the click click of the remote
i peep around the corner
very very slowly
too quick and youll see me
cus im supposed to be asleep
click click
click click
your face is blank
no nose
no eyes
no mouth
you smell weird
like that man on the street
mama always locks her car door
your chair
squeak squeak
you rock back and forth
who are you?
why am i here?
where are we?
you stop rocking
i freeze
the ball rolls across the floor
soft thump thump thump
you look me straight in the eyes
yet you have no eyes
i run back to the room
the one im supposed to be asleep in
i jump in the bed
the one im supposed to be asleep in
i cover up with the quilt
the one that smells like dog
the one im supposed to be asleep under
and i realize
im still holding my jacks
squeak squeak
thump
squeak squeak
thump
i wake up
im in my room
a hundred miles away from you
whoever you are
my walls are white
with my pictures on them
my mirror is shined
with squishy red hearts on it
my desk is cleaned
with my books on it
who are you?
why did you meet me last night?
where was that dream?
and who am i?

if snails and whales
were pretty seashells
would we all be happier
for the peace we’ve found
and if gobbles and gooks
were decorative hooks
would we all be happier
for the freedom we’ve found
if what goes around
comes around
why am i in my second round
while others wonder what i’m talking about
and if life is a blessing
why’s it so hard
to see tomorrow
seems such a shame
cus forever waits
and triumph sounds
the echos of life
go round and round
so i stand my ground
waiting to be found
tied and bound
listening for the sound
of the trumpet
so if snails and whales
were pretty seashells
would we be happier
for the peace we’ve found
rather i look
past the hooks
and the books
and the cooks
for the shark that lurks
in the murk
to eat straight through my shirt
to hurt
then burp
my very soul
because i’ve failed

"love does not keep a record of wrongs"
but life sure does
the old self haunts the new self
when shes supposed to be dead and buried
she sneaks up and kicks
square in the ass
its not my fault
those mistakes
someone else made them
in a different life
and i now i suffer
thanks to someone else
thanks to my old self
i feel so separate from the past
so isolated
so joyous
that i’m a new creature
brand new
like a child
on the first day of school
being punished for an older child’s behavior
being sent to the corner
because an older child stole someone’s blocks
because an older child ran out of the room without a teacher
because an older child ate too much snack before lunch
why?!?
it wasnt worth it
it was all more heartache than joy
it was more broken dreams than love fulfilled
i always thought itd be ok
"because ive lived"
except i was dead
it was ok
"because ive been there, done that"
except it was someone else, not me
im so broken
so disappointed
so hurt
and its all my fault
except
it isnt

i wore my new shoes today
shiny.
red.
killer.
dagger toes
sky high
lead inside pencil heels
my hips sway
my legs chisel
my body sings
my ego breaths
heads turn
eyes avert
and i feel
wanted
loved
desired
needed
then…
…used

i wore my new dress today
silky.
black.
killer.
ocean floor low
route 66 curves
model legs
hugged my hips
clung to my tummy
animated my body
magnified my ego
heads turn
eyes avert
and i feel like
an idol
a goddess
a beauty
an adoration
and then…
… an item

i wore my my old sweats today
blue.
worn.
tired.
stains are abundant
wrinkles are ample
age is substantial
my feet drag
my arms hang
my body hunches
my egos hides
heads turn
eyes avert
and i feel
old
ugly
repulsive
foul
and then…
… i see you
and i feel
loved
and then…
… adored

use me
muse me
breath through me
hold me
mold me
glue virtues to me
love me
flood me
overflow from me
joyful me
peaceful me
live life fruitfully
be mine for
all time
my life recombined
bottom line?
realign my path
with thine
rebel on decline
humble all my shrines
my viewpoint redefined
faith hope and love intertwined
my fate of Godly design
use me
muse me
breath right through me